October 24, 2012

One week to the day since I last posted. What a week it has been. My wife, middle daughter and I have been taking a class on Chinese energy work; it is call Long life Gevity. If you have every heard or experienced Reiki you know something about it. There are differences in that Reiki have symbols and you can charge for the session where as this training states you cannot charge and it is based in meditation.

The meditation is very critical to me as I have never felt I know how to meditate or even what it was. I remember my mother questioning meditations as being something weird or even bad. I am unclear on why she felt that way and since she passed in 2001 I can’t ask her.

In my class on Long Life Gevity I had a leader who was very strict and said breathing with eyes open and focus on a single spot for 5 breaths then close eyes and breathe normally. After about 10 minutes he said we will now end our meditation. I didn’t even know I was meditating, go figure. All this time in the past I had been over complicating something so simple. There were no mantras or clearing the mind or sitting in the lotus position, just sitting comfortably eyes closed. Interestingly enough my mind went where it went and after a while just quieted down by itself.

The class is taught in Mandarin and I don’t speak Mandarin but they had headsets with elders translating into English. It didn’t take long before I had totally tuned out the part of it being translated and I was able to follow along. I could look at this as pluralism experience as I was totally immersed in the Taiwanese/Chinese culture.  The class was run the same as it is in China with all the customs and respect of the Teacher and leaders. Even the broken English was beautiful. What a neat experience.

The work done is called an adjustment. With my adjustments I have ask for work on my lower back where I have problems and with my sinuses. Teacher says that you will experience discomfort and even pain as you heal. I was not sure what to expect as my back is always giving me pain. What I noticed is that the pain is different. I can tell something is changing and I hesitate to look to critical at what the change is because I tend to over analyze everything which leaves in strange places and mostly incomplete.

Well I need to say that my wife is getting better looking and it is not just me saying it. I have been telling her she getting better with age and she say she is just happy now. Hummm, very interesting.

Well going to sign off for now

Thy will not mine be done.

October 24, 2012

Wow, it has been a while since I wrote in my blog. What does that mean? Oh shit there I go needing a reason for everything I do. My sponsor says I analyze everything way too much, that I should take it easy and just live for today and not try to figure it out. So here I go, Breath in breath out, repeat.

Okay I have been in a funk for the last little while. I got sick when I left Las Vegas, a raging sinus infection. It kept me out of work for 4 day. Four day of hell with head ache, green snot, and the feeling of just wanting to die. Went to the doctor said take decongestants, drink lots of liquids and oh yes take these antibiotics for 10 days. I have one pill tomorrow morning and I am done. I started to feel a lot better within 24 hours of taking the first antibiotic and then leveled out not getting any better or worse. Well at least I can deal with consistency.

Death has been on my mind a lot lately. I don’t like to share these thoughts with others because they get really nervous shutting me down from expressing my thoughts and I am left in a strange world of being made wrong for just trying to deal with what is happening in my life.

Death being on my mind doesn’t mean I am planning to hurt myself, no not at all. I am coming up on my 63^rd birthday and I realize that if I live to the same age as my dad I have 23 semi good years left. And when I become present to my mortality and realize that it was just yesterday that I was 15 or even 8 years old and time passed so very quickly. There are so many things I haven’t done that I have wanted to do, but didn’t because the timing wasn’t right or this or that and I have done a whole lot of stuff that wasn’t even close to living for today. Living for today was the cry during the 60’s. I fell into the rut of doing what I was supposed to do. Wow, and no one ever came out and said this is what you have to do, it was all just implied.

Please don’t take me wrong, I have lived some very powerful life experiences. What I am saying is I was not “LIVING” those experiences I was just “DOING”. There must be a God because how else could I have received 5 beautiful loving children, a wife of 36 years who just keeps getting better looking and loving by the day, and to top it off I am best friends with my ex-wife. I was part of the mainstream that brought about the computer technology we have today. And basically life is just flat F***’n GREAT!

Well I need to let you know that yet again I started out writing in a funk and by the time I got to this part of the page I am feeling pretty damn good. And with that I am going to sign off for tonight.

Thy will not mine be done.

October 3, 2012

I just got back from a Rod Steward concert. I was pleasantly surprised. He was very low key and acted as if the audience was part of his family or friends at his house and he was their host. He is getting old and the voice is not as crisp as it once was, but that doesn’t matter because he was there for us the audience. Good Job Rod!

I have been at a conference of IBM’s for mainframe computers. Boy there are a lot of gray haired people here. One of the presenters said that we are just not retiring. Why, because we still like what we do and find it rewarding. I have to agree with his sentiment even though there are many days when I just want to say F***-it and do something else. But when I look at what I would do, guess what, I want to go on speaking tour telling people how great the mainframe is and how it benefits their lives each and every day. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying the mainframe would replace your personal computer or MAC because being the generation who developed the computer, know that the many different minis, distributed and other non-mainframe computer play a major part in making our everyday life more enjoyable.

I have been in Las Vegas the past week, that is where the conference was held, and I find that I really don’t like being here. The hotel is beautiful, the food had been good, but the opulence is over whelming to me. The other night we went to dinner in one of the many restaurants in the hotel, it took 20 minutes just to walk there and we never went outside. Also every time I turn around there is alcohol and being a member of AA finds this uncomfortable. I have caught myself thinking “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Now that is not a healthy thing for someone like we who is allergic to alcohol to be thinking. The allergy is when I drink I break out in jails.

Back to the concert, I love music and it stirs deep hidden emotions. During the concert I found myself swinging from joy to depression, to self loathing, to missing my wife and children, to regretting many thing I did years ago. I think that is why I shy away for attending concerts. I went to this one because it was part of a team building thing for us mainframers. I am not sorry I went. I just know that there are many things left undone in my life. Just thinking, this is a good thing to turn over to my God. And yes I know I should be turning over my WHOLE life to my God. Guess you could call it being a slow learner or maybe even not feeling worthy of having God’s love. What ever!

Well it is getting late and I want to go to bed so I can wake up at 3 am and say oh good I have 3 more hours before I have to get up at 6 am.

Peace and Love to you all

Thy will not mine be done.