March 12, 2014

Well here we go again on the roller coaster ride from hell. What do I mean by that? It is just what I am going through, you me think what the phqueue what the big deal?

I was watching the Hobbit movie (the first one) 3 days ago and had this overpowering feeling that it was a story about where I had come from. The feeling was way powerful and very comforting.

Over the years I am never felt I belonged in this existence. I felt like an outsider that at every turn I just didn’t fit in. Things have always come very easy to me. But doing them that way that was natural to me brought unwanted criticism from family, friends, teachers, religious leaders, you name it.

Because of this criticism I felt forced to conform, do it their way. By doing it their way I have never felt true to myself, that I was living a lie. We are always told to just be yourself, but when I do people get on my case for not doing it the correct way and are constantly told “that will never work.” Yet somehow it does work!?!

I don’t know if I am making any sense, but the conflict within me has grown to the point that I feel totally useless and broken even though I see I have many successes. Talk about being crazy.

Back to the movie. Who ever came up with the imagery and story line tapped into my soul. Tolkien and the screen writers have described home as my subconscious remembers it. It touched on the love felt towards a mother.

It seems that people are either drawn to Tolkien are don’t care about it. I can recall anyone who sort of like it. There may be but not in my memory.

I shared this with my dear friend who understood where I was coming from and even shared that his wife shares the same thoughts.

I put forth that there are those of us who have been transplanted to this earth from a kind of Middle Earth and miss home.

Don’t get me wrong I am not totally delusional. I know who my parents are, where I was born etc. It is just that I cannot explain the feeling of belong somewhere else.

I guess for now all I can do is to turn it over to God.

Thy will not mine be done.

Nov 8-13, 2013

November 8, 2013

Thought for the Day

“Every path has a few puddles.”

 Author Unknown

This is a very timely thought being what I have been stepping up to facing.

First let me say that I have a pretty darn good life. What is going on is there are those things in the past that keep raising up like the animals in ‘Wack-a-Mole’. Just when I think I can see them and hit them, puff they disappear till the next time. What I am left with is a feeling of total worthlessness and that I have a life not worth living. I know that is pretty stupid but it just sneaks up on me.

November 13, 2013

Will I ever finish my thoughts on the subject? My perfectionism causes me to think I have to write a certain amount or it won’t be worth posting.  And, I am not even sure what I am talking about.

I do like the above Thought as it brings some peace of mind to me to be reminded life is not perfect and no matter what I do there will be some puddles.

On a different vain, today is a beautiful day!! Fall is definitely in the air with the crispness of the temperature, the colors against the blueness of the sky. I feel so lucky to be able to experience the walk I just came back from. Twice around the building and didn’t even break a sweat.

I was thinking to myself how nice it would be to be retired and to be outside every day to walk in the beauty. Feeling the sun on my face, the smells in my noise of dried leaves and the slight chill in the air feels me with a sense of being alive and happy. If today were to be my last, it will have been well lived.  

I can let go of my perfectionism for a minute and call the entry complete. I feel good to surrender my will and my life to my higher power, God, as I understand.

Thy will not mine be done.

November 5, 2013

Life is an interesting journey! On Monday’s I attend a men’s 12 step meeting and last night we were studying Step 6 “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” We were reading from the 12 and 12 and in the next to the last page of Step 6 second paragraph it talks about letting go of trying to do this work 100%. It says that if we were to do every step 100% we would be Saints and heaven knows I am not or will never be a saint.

To me a defect of character can be many things but I have come to use as a guide and measure of how I feel in my stomach. If it hurts or I feel sick or uncomfortable then I am bumping up against a defect of character.

I don’t share the idea of defects of character with many people as they get it confused with being defective or putting myself down. What I mean by defects of character are those things that hurt me and ultimately others.

On the way home from the meeting a friend of mine shared some stuff that was going on in his life around defects of character, and no shit, it was exactly what I was dealing with at that moment. His sharing opened the door for me to share. I came away feeling like I had unloaded a burden I had been carrying and that I was not so all alone. Here was another human being that was dealing with the same shit I was.

As I write I am coming to realize that the most damaging part of a defect of character is the holding it inside and thinking I can’t share it. Once I become ready God will put someone safe in my life to share with and the burden seems so much lighter.

Has the defect gone away? No, not yet. Yes, I am now entirely ready to have God remove this defect of character. I can’t remove it, I need God to do that and that comes with Step 7 where I ask him to remove it.

The 12 Step program is more than alcohol and drugs, it is about my will and my life, all of it. This is a journey of progress not perfection. When I surrender magic happens. When I give up that is me trying to take control and nothing happens. When I try to control that is when I am playing God and that is a job I am not qualified 

to do.

Thy will not mine be done.

November 4, 2013

The journey continues. My chiropractor has ordered a series of tests to see if we can find out what is going on with me, blood, urine, stool and saliva. All I know is that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I talked to my boss and let him know what is going on with me and he said to take care of my health.

My son and his girl friend moved into their house over the weekend. They seem happy to be out of mom and dad’s place. Although, they were only with us for about 3 to 4 weeks. I’m going to miss them.

I guess fall is now over, it snowed yesterday and is cold today. Well fall is nothing more than an average temp anyway. But, the colors have been pretty and there has been a few day that have felt wonderful.

I pray every morning, and for the last little while I have been seeing where I have been giving God orders as if he were a waitress taking my order. I don’t think God works that way, even though I have received many, many blessings. But I tend to over think things trying to figure ‘it’ out. So this may be just an extension of my over thinking.

Seen that almost all philosophies talk about surrender and we humans confuse that with giving up. I know I do on a subconscious level. But, there are times when I seem to surrender and let go and let God and oh does it feel good. BUT, my thinking gets in the way and I think I don’t deserve to feel good or I am just being delusional. Yet it does feel good and in those times I do feel happy, joyous and free. I wish it would last or at least accept it.  

Well, time to go for today. Till next time.

Thy will not mine be done.

October 21, 2013

Here I am at work. I have been on vacation for the past 2 weeks.  I took the time off so that I could move my daughter to Austin TX. She has a new job there.

Her move seemed to go off pretty smoothly. She is in an apartment and it is very nice. Very close to her work.

What I noticed for myself in this adventure is that while in Austin I felt very much at peace with the world. There was no worry about getting home or missing things. I slept on a single blowup mattress and I was totally happy.

What is this telling me? Have I been living a lie? Is it time for me to move on, if so from what?

My daughter pretty much just grabbed her clothes and moved. She had a house that she left and is renting to my son. she only took 3 pieces of furniture. She is making a clean start.

I look at my life and see that I am controlled by stuff. I work so I can have stuff. So I can have a place to keep stuff. Most of the stuff I never use and I just have to dust it.

I have suffered for a long time with back pain that became worse after my cancer surgery. While in Austin I still hurt but it was not as bad as it is at home.  I know it could be the weather and the altitude and such or it could be that the pressure of ‘STUFF’ is causing it to hurt more.

What is running through my mind is, would I be happier if I just took my clothes and moved not taking my stuff and just starting over, kind of a Ralph Waldo Emerson sort of thing. Well, I am a child of the 60’s and a Hippie at heart.

But I gave my word to be with Nancy, my soul mate, and she needs to be a part of whatever I do or decide.

I am not in control. My higher power is.

Thy will not mine be done.

May 3, 2013

Wow it has been a long time since I last wrote in my blog. It seems like it was just yesterday but it was back in January and about Magic Beans.

My friend Gerry’s mom passed away last week. She was 92. He wrote about her in his blog and shared pictures. What a wonderful thing love is. I saw his love for his mother and the deep loss he is feeling now that she has passed to the other side.

I have always wondered if there really was another side or when we died if we just became fertilizer.  Then a very special thing happened about a year ago that let me know there is another side.

My best friend was Larry Cooke died of cancer in 2007. We had been hunting and fishing buddies for over 30 years. When we were out fishing and hunting we would sit around the camp fire and talk about very deep subjects like life after death. Neither of were religious and were skeptics of what religions taught about God, heaven and such. Over the years we repeatedly made each other a solemn vow to that whoever died first would come back and let the other know if there was another side and what it was like. Larry came to me in a dream in a way that could only be very real. He said YES there is another side and it is F’ng Fantastic and more. He talked like that.

I shared this story with Gerry. I don’t know how it landed and frankly it is none of my business.

Till next time – Thy will not mine be done.

January 18, 2013

I have been watching Napoleon Hill videos on YOUTUBE. I am surprised how similar they are to the SECRET. But what do I know.

Napoleon stresses to focus on what we want not on what we don’t want. He say it doesn’t work if we say I don’t want to be poor because our focus in on being poor.

What I see in myself is that is exactly what I am doing. I hurt and I focus on not hurting. I do exercises so I don’t hurt. I take medication so I don’t hurt. I go to a chiropractor so I don’t hurt. I have acupuncture so I don’t hurt and I get massages so I don’t hurt. What is my focus (drop the negative)? “I hurt!” Hum.

What Napoleon says sounds so simple, yet I am a complete failure in putting it into practice.

As I look at my relationship with Nancy I am focusing on “I don’t want to hurt her!” Using Napoleon’s logic my focus is on “Hurting Her”.

I think I am 100 times better mate now than I have been in the past but there is still something missing. I know she love me but there is a distance. Is the focus, Napoleon talks about, so subtle that I am sabotaging our relationship without either of us knowing? I am not saying that it will end just that there could be a sweetness between us that is being retarded?

Oh well enough for today

Thy will not mine be done.