Nov 8-13, 2013

November 8, 2013

Thought for the Day

“Every path has a few puddles.”

 Author Unknown

This is a very timely thought being what I have been stepping up to facing.

First let me say that I have a pretty darn good life. What is going on is there are those things in the past that keep raising up like the animals in ‘Wack-a-Mole’. Just when I think I can see them and hit them, puff they disappear till the next time. What I am left with is a feeling of total worthlessness and that I have a life not worth living. I know that is pretty stupid but it just sneaks up on me.

November 13, 2013

Will I ever finish my thoughts on the subject? My perfectionism causes me to think I have to write a certain amount or it won’t be worth posting.  And, I am not even sure what I am talking about.

I do like the above Thought as it brings some peace of mind to me to be reminded life is not perfect and no matter what I do there will be some puddles.

On a different vain, today is a beautiful day!! Fall is definitely in the air with the crispness of the temperature, the colors against the blueness of the sky. I feel so lucky to be able to experience the walk I just came back from. Twice around the building and didn’t even break a sweat.

I was thinking to myself how nice it would be to be retired and to be outside every day to walk in the beauty. Feeling the sun on my face, the smells in my noise of dried leaves and the slight chill in the air feels me with a sense of being alive and happy. If today were to be my last, it will have been well lived.  

I can let go of my perfectionism for a minute and call the entry complete. I feel good to surrender my will and my life to my higher power, God, as I understand.

Thy will not mine be done.

November 5, 2013

Life is an interesting journey! On Monday’s I attend a men’s 12 step meeting and last night we were studying Step 6 “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” We were reading from the 12 and 12 and in the next to the last page of Step 6 second paragraph it talks about letting go of trying to do this work 100%. It says that if we were to do every step 100% we would be Saints and heaven knows I am not or will never be a saint.

To me a defect of character can be many things but I have come to use as a guide and measure of how I feel in my stomach. If it hurts or I feel sick or uncomfortable then I am bumping up against a defect of character.

I don’t share the idea of defects of character with many people as they get it confused with being defective or putting myself down. What I mean by defects of character are those things that hurt me and ultimately others.

On the way home from the meeting a friend of mine shared some stuff that was going on in his life around defects of character, and no shit, it was exactly what I was dealing with at that moment. His sharing opened the door for me to share. I came away feeling like I had unloaded a burden I had been carrying and that I was not so all alone. Here was another human being that was dealing with the same shit I was.

As I write I am coming to realize that the most damaging part of a defect of character is the holding it inside and thinking I can’t share it. Once I become ready God will put someone safe in my life to share with and the burden seems so much lighter.

Has the defect gone away? No, not yet. Yes, I am now entirely ready to have God remove this defect of character. I can’t remove it, I need God to do that and that comes with Step 7 where I ask him to remove it.

The 12 Step program is more than alcohol and drugs, it is about my will and my life, all of it. This is a journey of progress not perfection. When I surrender magic happens. When I give up that is me trying to take control and nothing happens. When I try to control that is when I am playing God and that is a job I am not qualified 

to do.

Thy will not mine be done.

November 4, 2013

The journey continues. My chiropractor has ordered a series of tests to see if we can find out what is going on with me, blood, urine, stool and saliva. All I know is that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I talked to my boss and let him know what is going on with me and he said to take care of my health.

My son and his girl friend moved into their house over the weekend. They seem happy to be out of mom and dad’s place. Although, they were only with us for about 3 to 4 weeks. I’m going to miss them.

I guess fall is now over, it snowed yesterday and is cold today. Well fall is nothing more than an average temp anyway. But, the colors have been pretty and there has been a few day that have felt wonderful.

I pray every morning, and for the last little while I have been seeing where I have been giving God orders as if he were a waitress taking my order. I don’t think God works that way, even though I have received many, many blessings. But I tend to over think things trying to figure ‘it’ out. So this may be just an extension of my over thinking.

Seen that almost all philosophies talk about surrender and we humans confuse that with giving up. I know I do on a subconscious level. But, there are times when I seem to surrender and let go and let God and oh does it feel good. BUT, my thinking gets in the way and I think I don’t deserve to feel good or I am just being delusional. Yet it does feel good and in those times I do feel happy, joyous and free. I wish it would last or at least accept it.  

Well, time to go for today. Till next time.

Thy will not mine be done.