November 14, 2012

Only 27 days till the end of the world.

A week ago Tuesday I got really sick. At first I thought I had the flu or a virus or something but the feelings were just not right for what I have felt in the past. The main difference was that pain. I not talking about the crappy feeling you normally get with body aches and stuff. No this was out right PAIN as in being inflicted upon type pain.

First I started out with the barfs and instead of diarrhea I got the opposite, constipation. When it finally broke loose I thought I was giving birth do a mad ferret. Oh did I mention the PAIN?????????

During this ordeal I kept having the same thoughts come into my mind “has this something to do with the 4 infections I got from the hospital 5 years ago?” I have long thought that They were never completely cleared up.

This is what I think I was going through last week. Just a week earlier my wife and I completed 6 days of training on Chinese energy work call Longevitology. If you are familiar with Reiki this is the Chinese version. I have been trained in Reiki and a Reiki Master, with this new training I am at level 2 and to get the 3^rd level I need to travel to the Master.  During the Longevitology training you meditate, the students work on each other, and receive adjustments from the Teacher. The work is called adjustments in Longevitology.

I have suffered with severe chronic back pain for the past 2-3 years and think it had something to do with my hospital infections, but could never prove it. All I wanted to know is what was causing it so maybe I could make it go away. I have done physical therapy, chiropractics, Tia Chi, Kung Fu and take regular meds; all have worked very well in controlling and managing the pain. I am very grateful for them and the path they have shown me.  Yet there was still the meds and I hate and very fearful of taking pain medications.

Well back at the ranch, the Teacher of Longevitology said that with adjustments, sometime when you heal the process of healing can be painful as the body corrects itself. So I said to myself “Self I think your body is eliminating the last of the infection from 5 years ago.” Could this be true? I don’t know and I am too close to be objective and I could be hiding the truth trying to be objective. What a dilemma!

This is what I want to believe whether it is real or just my hopes. I have had a hidden infection in my body from my hospital infections (all 4 of them) since my cancer surgery. They manifested themselves as sever chronic back pain and general lethargic feeling. The energy work with Longevitology prompted my body to cleanse itself of those infections or at least started the cleansing process.

Results, I have not had the need to take the prescription medications for 7 days. Because of fear of the pain I still carry a daily dose with me. I do have some back pain but have optimism that it can now be healed. I am now looking to see if the back pain and damaged disks still serve a purpose in my life or have out lived their usefulness and I can move on to health. In other words I can turn this all over to God and be done with it.

Enough for Today

Thy Will not mine be done

November 4, 2012

I was listening to a Joe and Charlie tape (AA big book study) and they were talking about the second step “Came to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” They were saying that the dumb stuff we did while drink is not the the insanity the book talks about. The insanity the book talks about is that which we do or think when we are not drinking. Most of us don't believe we have that insanity in our lives and would argue if someone tried to point it out. Well. . .just so happens that as I was listening to this I drove by a street where I got drunk and acted like a huge ass-hole when I was 16 or 17 years old. What struck me was that as I drove by the street I started to berate myself for acting so stupid 46 years ago. I was also struck with the reality that I, yes I, with those thoughts was acting in an insane way. How insane is it to punish oneself for 46 years? And I am probably the only person alive who even remembers that night.

The realization has been showing up in my live in all sort of way. In the meeting I went to today, step 2 & 3 were the topic. I have been working with 2 sponsees and both of them are at that place where they see insanity in their lives but not seeing that they are acting insane even when I point it out to them.

As I write this blog I see that I have not dealt complete with step 2. And now God has given me the perfect people to sponsor and the tools (meetings dealing with step 2 & 3, AA tapes) to do what is in front of me.

Ah Shit. Here we go again. I have prayed for help and God has given it to me. I recently watched the movie “Bruce Almighty” and in the movie Bruce is give the power of God by God. And what he finds out is that are unpleasant things that must be done to have what you really want. Things like being patient, truly wanting other to have what they want rather you getting what you want, stuff like that. I have heard it called the dark night of the soul.

I have been praying for God to help with with the self berating that I catch myself doing hundreds of times every day. Guess what? Steps 2 & 3 start showing up in my life and now I have some things to do that I didn't plan on doing.

How does the dark night of the soul fit in here? In the past I would be saying to God “Why have you given me this curse of hating myself and then given me crazy people to sponsor?” That would be the unpleasant things.

What is showing up for me right now is God has given me people in my life to help me find that answer to the self hatred and how to deal with it or maybe make it go away. Am I grateful? Yes and No. No in that now I have to do something, God is not just going to make it go away. Yes, in that there are 2 human beings who share similar issues so I am not alone and just maybe between the 3 of us we can find serenity.

Well enough for tonight.

Thy will not mine be done

November 2, 2012

Only 49 days till the end of the world. Or at least that is what the Mayan Calendar say (December 21, 2012)

Today I woke up a little tired, when to the chiropractor came out feeling great but by 12:30 my pain level was at about a 9 on a scale of 1-10. I don’t understand. I know it is coming from my back but what am I doing wrong. Okay I was supposed to take my pain meds at 10 and didn’t take them till after 1pm, but I was feeling damn good and forgot.  I have done this is the past without being hit this hard. I feeling like some greater force is messing with me, zapping me just for fun when they are board.

On a different note, last night I was watch the first Pirates of The Caribbean and when Captain Jack Sparrow was in Tortuga to get a crew and there was all the drinking and partying going on I so wanted to be there. I started to think about the drunken times I have had in the distant past and the remembered fun I had. Oh what a dangerous fantasy to have for someone who is allergic to alcohol.

Damn the magic happened again. I was feeling shitty, hurting and I started to write and BAM! I started feeling better. I have a bit of a hangover from the hurting but feel so much better that I could just jump black flips (that is if I could).

I am having a feeling that Nancy is not happy with me. And it may just be my paranoia but it is a feeling just the same. I was listening to an AA tape and the speaker was talking about fear of abandonment. That though resonated in my with such power that I had tear come to my eyes. I can say for sure that I have that fear but what could that feeling have meant except that I fear abandonment. I am afraid that unless I act perfectly and do the right things I will be left by myself all alone to die. And this feeling has nothing to do with anyone else. This is just my fear. Other people will do what they do. I don’t know if I could survive being a victim of what they do. And yes I know the only person who can make me a victim is me.

Well that was interesting and some of it may sound like bull-shit but that is what is going through my mind.

Well signing off for today.

Thy will not mine be done.