September 27, 2012

“I hate the fall!!” Well, maybe that is a little strong but how I feel is terrible when fall rolls around.

For as far back as I can remember I have not liked the fall time of the year. I sometimes think it is because I didn’t like going to school. I have a learning-disability, don’t laugh because it hurts, where I couldn’t keep up with the reading that I was assigned in school. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was about 45 years old by a college professor (yes it took me a very long time to get a college degree). Before then I was just considered lazy or slacker. My wife, a Special Ed teacher, speculates I got the lazy classification because I was smart and learning came easy yet I had reading issues. The issues are called ’decoding’ where I have a hard time telling the difference between letters such a b, d, p & q. I can only hope she is right. Because of my classification I hold a great may hard feelings and resentments toward the educational systems I was raised in.

I have always been very good a mathematics but was held back because I didn’t have the “Reading Level” to comprehend such a complex subject or so I was told. That hurt a LOT! I loved doing math problems as far back as I can remember and when I got in the 7^th grade I found that algebra was an option, but only for the smart kids. I was told I was just too lazy and wouldn’t understand the subject and it would just be a waste of time for the school for me to even try. Can you hear my bitterness?

 It has been a long time since I even thought about this resentment. Recently I was listening to a tape by Caroline Myss and she was talking about how those things that we hold on to and want revenge are the things that keep us from being physically and mentally healthy. While I was listening to her I thought “I don’t have any un-addressed resentments.” Well guess what buck-o, I do and didn’t realize it until I started writing today.

Well, this writing went in a different direction than I had originally intended so I think I was close to reflect. What will I do next? Call my sponsor and see if I am ready to turn this over to God and make amends. Oh and if you are wondering, my God is the “Cosmic Muffin”.

Thy will not mind be done.

September 24, 2012

Damn these Thought for the Days!!! They keep striking way to close to home

Thought for the Day

“We shall seek the truth
and endure the consequences.”

Charles Seymour
(1884-1963)

Okay so I have been seeking the truth or something like it. You know looking for answers and most of the time I come away suffering the consequences.

I have often heard that “you can’t handle the truth” but I have always thought that as just bunk; some egotistical way of putting me down by “The Man” so to speak. Yet here it is once again and not so egotistical.

A long time ago I was complaining that God doesn’t answer my prayers. And someone told me that He/She/It may be answering my prayers and the problem may be with my expectations. Well the way they put it to me was, “Be careful of what you pray for as you just might get it.” Wholly Crap!! It took me a long time and being made aware of this fact multiple times that God answered each and everyone of my prayers but what was happening was my expectations were not in line with what I was asking for. It is sort of asking for food and expecting a million dollars. Yes you could buy a lot of food for a million dollars but the request is completely different.

Case in point, just recently I found myself wanting a woman who would give the kind of sex you only read about in Penthouse and what I discovered was I just wanted to be loved. And to complicate the request I just want to be able to accept love. Now there is a big difference between asking for a Penthouse type relationship and to being able to accept love.

Just so you are clear, and incase my wife read this blog, my wife is in no means a prude. But even a wonderful and giving a person that she is will get discouraged when her advances are not receive or accepted. Wow, I amazed myself again as I didn’t expect that to come out and what I am seeing is that when I point a finger at someone 4 others are pointing back at me. I had created my own reality of not being loved or loveable.

Each day I find or should I say open my eyes to the fact that all the love and passion I could possibly want or could handle is already in my life. I look at my wife when she is sleeping and am amazed at the beauty of curve of her hips, the shape of her legs and how delicate and sensuous her hands and feet are. If it wasn’t for the snoring I would question whether I was dreaming it or observing the reality.

In closing, I get every one of my prayers answered. But today I am more conscious of what my expectations are; this helps me to focus on what I pray for so that they are in line. When my expectations and prayer requests are in line I see just how lucky and blessed I am.

September 19, 2012

Today is another day. I put together a team building email each day in it I have the word of the day and the thought of the day.  Will here is todays:

Thought for the Day

Doubt is a pain too lonely
to know that faith is his twin brother.

Khalil Gibran
(1883-1931)

Wholly crap!! I don’t understand it but inside I feel the pain and with yesterday rant am wondering if it is related. This morning I prayed about what I have been going though and asked for guidance and this is what I get. Go figure. And people say that God doesn’t directly answer prayers.

No shit I have MUCH doubt mostly about myself that I don’t openly share with other even though most likely they can see it more clearly than I. I doubt that

·         my wife like me

·         I am doing a good job a work

·         that I will ever be without pain

·         that I know anything of value

·         and on and on and on

Yet for some reason, I know there is something that I call God, don’t what it is.

Now for something completely different.

I completed my agreement as an Introduction Leader for Landmark Education. What I realized is that I didn’t want to change the world, I just want my world to change and it did. My wife, Nancy, and I have a very good relationship today. And I only look at it as today, for tomorrow who know what will happen. With that I have come to realize that what I wanted in a relationship was someone I could love. I may have said that before but I was always looking at greener pastures over there and not looking in my own back yard. Today when I look at those greener pastures I appreciate them for their beauty and then realize just how fortunate I am to even have a relationship at all and it is with a woman who is smart, good looking and laughs at my jokes. And that is not to say just how comfortable I am just to be around her. Just the other day she said that with our relationship going so well, she keep looking over her shoulder for the other shoe to fall. That is a trust issue that I still have to earn from her. I don’t spend a whole lot of time trying to earn it, but rather focus on the moment and enjoying that. Pretty sweet.

September 18, 2012

It has been a while since I last wrote in my blog. The reason is one some of you may find familiars.  I felt like what I have to write is not important and nobody wants to read this shit. But my good friend said he missed reading my stuff.

It is fall and I hate the fall. Mostly because I get allergies and school would always start in the fall and I didn’t do very good in school. Yet when I go outside and just sit I really enjoy the coolness of the temperature and the muted light. Yesterday when I was getting ready to go to work I just started hurting to the point of not being able to move. I took some medicine, called into work and said I would be around noon and crawled into my lazy boy recliner and fell asleep. When I fall asleep at times like this it is not that I am tired but an escape from the discomfort. I pretty much check out into an altered state. When I come to I am not groggy as I am after sleeping at night it more like reality is turned off and then back on and I am as alert as if I had been awake for hours.

When I check out like this it doesn’t work when I am at work. People think you are being lazy and sleeping at your desk when in reality the pain of being tied to a desk becomes so great that I can stand no more and it just happens. You may be thinking “Well, why do you get up and walk around every so often so the pain doesn’t build?” I do all the time but it only works about 50% of the time. Sounds like I am being a victim and maybe there is some truth to it. As I write this blog I am in a lot of pain, have taken my meds, been walking around and having a hard time.

If you hear frustration in my writing it is because I am. What am I missing? I exercise, do physical therapy, go to a chiropractor, Tia Chi, Kung Fu, regular Doctor, take meds and even pray. Is my name really JOB???????

September 06, 2012

Some days I wish I were Wally from the Dilbert comic. A person totally unfazed by the total lunacy that goes on in the work space. Coffee cup in hand and unaffected. But Alas I am not a Wally type, in fact I am more of an A personality who has worked hard to not be so high strung.

In CERT training I was taught that in a crisis or under extreme pressure people will resvert to what they have done or how acted in the past. This no matter how much training they have had unless the training included hands-on experience. Well, in relationship to me, I have had the training (education) and some role playing which has help me curb my urge to just take what other people are messing up and fix it.  But that doesn't take away the frustration. In fact I think the frustration is multiplied because I know what needs doing and how easy it is to do. My leadership training tells me to stand back and let the dough-heads mess-up. ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the "Thought For The Day" Bruce Lee says "Knowledge will give you power, but character respect." How befitting to what I am going though. I know what needs to be done, how to do it and the impact if not done correctly. I guess that make me very powerful. I am guessing that my character comes from letting the dough-heads screw-up and being there to help them find their way, thus respect. (Is this the frustration a Shaman feels when someone asks for help and then doesn't listen to the answer?) My desire is to be the leader that through his leadership has very successful teams. Coach? I don't know if that fits but isn't that what a coach does?

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Okay God this one is yours. Tell me what to do. Let me be an instrument of your grace.

Well that was a mouth full. Later

Sept 5, 2012

Well World, here I go again.

Sitting on my my exercise ball in my cubical at work. It has been a busy day and I have accomplished some good chit. But that is not why I am writing today.

I had lunch with a friend of mine that I haven't seen for sometime. It was really good to just share what was going on in each of our lives. I shared about what was going on with my back (see previous entry) and that I have this feeling that my back issues are more than what meets the eye.

For starters I shared that my life is really going well. So well in fact that I keep looking over my shoulder because for me to enjoy something this good I must be doing something terribly wrong or bad and I am looking for the bad man to show up and punish me. I have this feeling because most of my life I have filled with drama and issues. Right now they are just not there or at least I can't see them. So with my back I am speculating that I am creating the drama and issues in my life because my subconscious expects that and if it doesn't get it I must be crazy. Ergo, back pain with all the dressing.

Guess what, I don't want to admit that this could be happening because that is just stupid. (ARGH!!! MORE DRAMA). In the 12 step program the first 3 steps talk about surrender, something I fight with all day every day. From time to time I understand the surrender it talks about is to surrender to a God of your own understanding, but mostly what runs through my mind is the saying, "Never Give Up, Never Surrender!" I just can't separating the two for more than a few minutes at a time. I guess one of the biggest reasons is I am afraid of the Judeo-Christian God of my childhood that condemned me to hell. The power of our upbringing is far more powerful that our adult understand of reality.

As an adult I created my God as the Cosmic Muffin, full of unconditional live and understanding.

So what am I going to do with this dilemma? The only thing is to surrender (catch 22). But as I write I see that my surrender could be to not fight my fears but to acknowledge them and turn them over to the Cosmic Muffin aka GOD. Well it least it feel good in my gut and heart and my head doesn't hurt thinking about it. So lets see what happens.

Well got to go. Peace and Love Ol'-Hippie