Wow, it has been a while since I wrote in my blog. What does that mean? Oh shit there I go needing a reason for everything I do. My sponsor says I analyze everything way too much, that I should take it easy and just live for today and not try to figure it out. So here I go, Breath in breath out, repeat.
Okay I have been in a funk for the last little while. I got sick when I left Las Vegas, a raging sinus infection. It kept me out of work for 4 day. Four day of hell with head ache, green snot, and the feeling of just wanting to die. Went to the doctor said take decongestants, drink lots of liquids and oh yes take these antibiotics for 10 days. I have one pill tomorrow morning and I am done. I started to feel a lot better within 24 hours of taking the first antibiotic and then leveled out not getting any better or worse. Well at least I can deal with consistency.
Death has been on my mind a lot lately. I don’t like to share these thoughts with others because they get really nervous shutting me down from expressing my thoughts and I am left in a strange world of being made wrong for just trying to deal with what is happening in my life.
Death being on my mind doesn’t mean I am planning to hurt myself, no not at all. I am coming up on my 63rd birthday and I realize that if I live to the same age as my dad I have 23 semi good years left. And when I become present to my mortality and realize that it was just yesterday that I was 15 or even 8 years old and time passed so very quickly. There are so many things I haven’t done that I have wanted to do, but didn’t because the timing wasn’t right or this or that and I have done a whole lot of stuff that wasn’t even close to living for today. Living for today was the cry during the 60’s. I fell into the rut of doing what I was supposed to do. Wow, and no one ever came out and said this is what you have to do, it was all just implied.
Please don’t take me wrong, I have lived some very powerful life experiences. What I am saying is I was not “LIVING” those experiences I was just “DOING”. There must be a God because how else could I have received 5 beautiful loving children, a wife of 36 years who just keeps getting better looking and loving by the day, and to top it off I am best friends with my ex-wife. I was part of the mainstream that brought about the computer technology we have today. And basically life is just flat F***’n GREAT!
Well I need to let you know that yet again I started out writing in a funk and by the time I got to this part of the page I am feeling pretty damn good. And with that I am going to sign off for tonight.
Thy will not mine be done.
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