November 4, 2012

I was listening to a Joe and Charlie tape (AA big book study) and they were talking about the second step “Came to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” They were saying that the dumb stuff we did while drink is not the the insanity the book talks about. The insanity the book talks about is that which we do or think when we are not drinking. Most of us don't believe we have that insanity in our lives and would argue if someone tried to point it out. Well. . .just so happens that as I was listening to this I drove by a street where I got drunk and acted like a huge ass-hole when I was 16 or 17 years old. What struck me was that as I drove by the street I started to berate myself for acting so stupid 46 years ago. I was also struck with the reality that I, yes I, with those thoughts was acting in an insane way. How insane is it to punish oneself for 46 years? And I am probably the only person alive who even remembers that night.

The realization has been showing up in my live in all sort of way. In the meeting I went to today, step 2 & 3 were the topic. I have been working with 2 sponsees and both of them are at that place where they see insanity in their lives but not seeing that they are acting insane even when I point it out to them.

As I write this blog I see that I have not dealt complete with step 2. And now God has given me the perfect people to sponsor and the tools (meetings dealing with step 2 & 3, AA tapes) to do what is in front of me.

Ah Shit. Here we go again. I have prayed for help and God has given it to me. I recently watched the movie “Bruce Almighty” and in the movie Bruce is give the power of God by God. And what he finds out is that are unpleasant things that must be done to have what you really want. Things like being patient, truly wanting other to have what they want rather you getting what you want, stuff like that. I have heard it called the dark night of the soul.

I have been praying for God to help with with the self berating that I catch myself doing hundreds of times every day. Guess what? Steps 2 & 3 start showing up in my life and now I have some things to do that I didn't plan on doing.

How does the dark night of the soul fit in here? In the past I would be saying to God “Why have you given me this curse of hating myself and then given me crazy people to sponsor?” That would be the unpleasant things.

What is showing up for me right now is God has given me people in my life to help me find that answer to the self hatred and how to deal with it or maybe make it go away. Am I grateful? Yes and No. No in that now I have to do something, God is not just going to make it go away. Yes, in that there are 2 human beings who share similar issues so I am not alone and just maybe between the 3 of us we can find serenity.

Well enough for tonight.

Thy will not mine be done