March 12, 2014

Well here we go again on the roller coaster ride from hell. What do I mean by that? It is just what I am going through, you me think what the phqueue what the big deal?

I was watching the Hobbit movie (the first one) 3 days ago and had this overpowering feeling that it was a story about where I had come from. The feeling was way powerful and very comforting.

Over the years I am never felt I belonged in this existence. I felt like an outsider that at every turn I just didn’t fit in. Things have always come very easy to me. But doing them that way that was natural to me brought unwanted criticism from family, friends, teachers, religious leaders, you name it.

Because of this criticism I felt forced to conform, do it their way. By doing it their way I have never felt true to myself, that I was living a lie. We are always told to just be yourself, but when I do people get on my case for not doing it the correct way and are constantly told “that will never work.” Yet somehow it does work!?!

I don’t know if I am making any sense, but the conflict within me has grown to the point that I feel totally useless and broken even though I see I have many successes. Talk about being crazy.

Back to the movie. Who ever came up with the imagery and story line tapped into my soul. Tolkien and the screen writers have described home as my subconscious remembers it. It touched on the love felt towards a mother.

It seems that people are either drawn to Tolkien are don’t care about it. I can recall anyone who sort of like it. There may be but not in my memory.

I shared this with my dear friend who understood where I was coming from and even shared that his wife shares the same thoughts.

I put forth that there are those of us who have been transplanted to this earth from a kind of Middle Earth and miss home.

Don’t get me wrong I am not totally delusional. I know who my parents are, where I was born etc. It is just that I cannot explain the feeling of belong somewhere else.

I guess for now all I can do is to turn it over to God.

Thy will not mine be done.