November 2, 2012

Only 49 days till the end of the world. Or at least that is what the Mayan Calendar say (December 21, 2012)

Today I woke up a little tired, when to the chiropractor came out feeling great but by 12:30 my pain level was at about a 9 on a scale of 1-10. I don’t understand. I know it is coming from my back but what am I doing wrong. Okay I was supposed to take my pain meds at 10 and didn’t take them till after 1pm, but I was feeling damn good and forgot.  I have done this is the past without being hit this hard. I feeling like some greater force is messing with me, zapping me just for fun when they are board.

On a different note, last night I was watch the first Pirates of The Caribbean and when Captain Jack Sparrow was in Tortuga to get a crew and there was all the drinking and partying going on I so wanted to be there. I started to think about the drunken times I have had in the distant past and the remembered fun I had. Oh what a dangerous fantasy to have for someone who is allergic to alcohol.

Damn the magic happened again. I was feeling shitty, hurting and I started to write and BAM! I started feeling better. I have a bit of a hangover from the hurting but feel so much better that I could just jump black flips (that is if I could).

I am having a feeling that Nancy is not happy with me. And it may just be my paranoia but it is a feeling just the same. I was listening to an AA tape and the speaker was talking about fear of abandonment. That though resonated in my with such power that I had tear come to my eyes. I can say for sure that I have that fear but what could that feeling have meant except that I fear abandonment. I am afraid that unless I act perfectly and do the right things I will be left by myself all alone to die. And this feeling has nothing to do with anyone else. This is just my fear. Other people will do what they do. I don’t know if I could survive being a victim of what they do. And yes I know the only person who can make me a victim is me.

Well that was interesting and some of it may sound like bull-shit but that is what is going through my mind.

Well signing off for today.

Thy will not mine be done.