Sept 5, 2012

Well World, here I go again.

Sitting on my my exercise ball in my cubical at work. It has been a busy day and I have accomplished some good chit. But that is not why I am writing today.

I had lunch with a friend of mine that I haven't seen for sometime. It was really good to just share what was going on in each of our lives. I shared about what was going on with my back (see previous entry) and that I have this feeling that my back issues are more than what meets the eye.

For starters I shared that my life is really going well. So well in fact that I keep looking over my shoulder because for me to enjoy something this good I must be doing something terribly wrong or bad and I am looking for the bad man to show up and punish me. I have this feeling because most of my life I have filled with drama and issues. Right now they are just not there or at least I can't see them. So with my back I am speculating that I am creating the drama and issues in my life because my subconscious expects that and if it doesn't get it I must be crazy. Ergo, back pain with all the dressing.

Guess what, I don't want to admit that this could be happening because that is just stupid. (ARGH!!! MORE DRAMA). In the 12 step program the first 3 steps talk about surrender, something I fight with all day every day. From time to time I understand the surrender it talks about is to surrender to a God of your own understanding, but mostly what runs through my mind is the saying, "Never Give Up, Never Surrender!" I just can't separating the two for more than a few minutes at a time. I guess one of the biggest reasons is I am afraid of the Judeo-Christian God of my childhood that condemned me to hell. The power of our upbringing is far more powerful that our adult understand of reality.

As an adult I created my God as the Cosmic Muffin, full of unconditional live and understanding.

So what am I going to do with this dilemma? The only thing is to surrender (catch 22). But as I write I see that my surrender could be to not fight my fears but to acknowledge them and turn them over to the Cosmic Muffin aka GOD. Well it least it feel good in my gut and heart and my head doesn't hurt thinking about it. So lets see what happens.

Well got to go. Peace and Love Ol'-Hippie